So often, I have clients say to me "but I feel so guilty." At this point I pause and let them know that guilt is actually not a feeling. "What do you mean it's not a feeling?" they ask, eyes wide, jaws open to the floor. I go on to explain that guilt is a combination of a feeling and a distorted belief. The feeling being fear, the distorted belief that you are not good enough.
The original definitions of guilt describe it as a "crime, sin, fault, fine" (noun) and "to commit an offense" (verb). It has also gotten a lot of attention throughout history. Guilt is a main theme in literary works of Steinbeck, Dostoyevsky and Shakespeare. In psychology, an over abundance of guilt can lead to mental health problems including anxiety and depression.
But if we go back to the original definition it is quite a leap from “to commit an offense” to “I feel guilty because...I binged last night on ice cream” or “I made mistakes when my kids were younger.” These are valid situations to have uncomfortable feelings about but it is a stretch to feel guilty about them. You would be better served investigating the uncomfortably; making space for the fear while also holding on to your essential goodness. Meaning, in simpler terms, feel your fear and don't throw yourself under the bus!
I used to think guilt was a feeling too. In therapy I learned how to deal with guilt and look at it in a different way. I thought I had the guilt thing figured out. However, when I became a mom I learned about guilt on a whole new level. I still feel challenged by it but luckily have the tools to work through it when the guilt does surface. For example, I had a “guilt” experience just the other day when I was scheduled to co-facilitate a workshop. Both my husband and my younger son were not feeling well. I woke up early to leave only to hear them both coughing from the other room. I started to feel guilty. On the drive down to the workshop I began beating myself up for going to the workshop. What was I thinking by signing up for another Saturday workshop? I shouldn't be going when I have a sick child at home that needs his mommy. Luckily, the things I have learned started to come into my consciousness. I then paused and started breathing into the guilt and allowed the fear to surface. Quickly behind the fear was the feeling that I was a bad mom that was unable to connect to her essential goodness. So I breathed into it and I asked myself, “Is there anything more I need?” I decided that once I arrived at the workshop I would let my colleagues know how I was feeling. I needed them to remind me that I wasn't a bad person for attending the workshop. That I wasn't being a bad mom or wife. I needed to be at the workshop for a variety of reasons and it was ok for my husband to care for my son.
I don't always need others to help me get through the uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes I can give myself the reassurance and love that I need. It usually depends on the situation I am reacting to. The more emotionally charged, or the more I make myself bad and unloveable, the higher likelihood I will need to ask others for support.
Next time you feel guilty, try this experiment. Stop what you are doing and give yourself 3 minutes to breathe into the feelings. Notice where the fear is in your body. Breathe into that area. Next ask yourself what you need in order to feel connected to your goodness? Do you need to remind yourself you are a good person? Do you need to call a friend and ask them to do that for you? Once you have figured out what you need, give it to yourself. Three minutes can be all it takes to move from guilt into acceptance.
