Guilt is Not a Feeling

So often, I have clients say to me "but I feel so guilty."  At this point I pause and let them know that guilt is actually not a feeling. "What do you mean it's not a feeling?" they ask, eyes wide, jaws open to the floor. I go on to explain that guilt is a combination of a feeling and a distorted belief. The feeling being fear, the distorted belief that you are not good enough.

The original definitions of guilt describe it as a "crime, sin, fault, fine" (noun) and "to commit an offense" (verb). It has also gotten a lot of attention throughout history. Guilt is a main theme in literary works of Steinbeck, Dostoyevsky and Shakespeare. In psychology, an over abundance of guilt can lead to mental health problems including anxiety and depression.   

But if we go back to the original definition it is quite a leap from “to commit an offense” to “I feel guilty because...I binged last night on ice cream” or “I made mistakes when my  kids were younger.” These are valid situations to have uncomfortable feelings about but it is a stretch to feel guilty about them. You would be better served investigating the uncomfortably; making space for the fear while also holding on to your essential goodness. Meaning, in simpler terms, feel your fear and don't throw yourself under the bus!

I used to think guilt was a feeling too. In therapy I learned how to deal with guilt and look at it in a different way. I thought I had the guilt thing figured out. However, when I became a mom I learned about guilt on a whole new level. I still feel challenged by it but luckily have the tools to work through it when the guilt does surface. For example, I had a “guilt” experience just the other day when I was scheduled to co-facilitate a workshop. Both my husband and my younger son were not feeling well. I woke up early to leave only to hear them both coughing from the other room. I started to feel guilty. On the drive down to the workshop  I began beating myself up for going to the workshop. What was I thinking by signing up for another Saturday workshop?  I shouldn't be going when I have a sick child at home that needs his mommy. Luckily, the things I have learned started to come into my consciousness. I then paused and started breathing into the guilt and allowed the fear to surface. Quickly behind the fear was the feeling that I was a bad mom that was unable to  connect to her essential goodness.  So I breathed into it and I asked myself, “Is there anything more I need?” I decided that once I arrived at the workshop I would let my colleagues know how I was feeling. I needed them to remind me that I wasn't a bad person for attending the workshop. That I wasn't being a bad mom or wife. I needed to be at the workshop for a variety of reasons and it was ok for my husband to care for my son.  

I don't always need others to help me get through the uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes I can give myself the reassurance and love that I need. It usually depends on the situation I am reacting to. The more emotionally charged, or the more I make myself bad and unloveable, the higher likelihood I will need to ask others for support. 

Next time you feel guilty, try this experiment. Stop what you are doing and give yourself 3 minutes to breathe into the feelings. Notice where the fear is in your body. Breathe into that area. Next ask yourself what you need in order to feel connected to your goodness? Do you need to remind yourself you are a good person? Do you need to call a friend and ask them to do that for you?  Once you have figured out what you need, give it to yourself. Three minutes can be all it takes to move from guilt into acceptance. 

5 Things Your Mother Never Told You About Therapy

 

Listed below are the top 5 reasons individuals give me when I ask them why they don't want to see a therapist. Hopefully, even those who are skeptical about the therapeutic process will view it differently after reading this.

1) Therapy is good at any age.

I am 20 (or 30, 40, 50. . .) why do I have to revisit things that happened in my childhood?

During childhood, we form many of the uncomfortable feelings we experience today. Without our realizing it, these feelings can become emotional obstacles to living contented lives. Because so much of our past affects our present, it can be difficult at any age to grow up, move forward, and create the outcomes we want. Some people can move beyond their obstacles without support, but many more find that therapy helps them resolve their issues more readily.

 

2) Therapy is affordable.

Therapy sounds helpful--but can I afford it?

Consider how much money we spend on other things (clothes, eating out, entertainment, alcohol) to help us feel better. When each stops working, we spend more money looking for more ways to feel good about ourselves. Sure, initially therapy can be expensive. But the hope is that through therapy, you will create the life you want and save yourself money in the long-run by not needing to spend as much on things to make you “feel better” in the short term.

I believe in making therapy accessible to as many people as possible. In my practice, I am an out-of-network provider. Understanding that everyone has different financial obligations, I offer a sliding scale and take deferred payments and credit cards.

 3) Almost everyone can benefit from therapy.

My problems aren't that bad. Why do I need therapy?

I have heard this so many times. Believe it or not, most people who go to therapy do not have serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult transitions, such as divorce, job loss, loss of a loved one, empty nest, transitioning from college to the “real world," ending a serious love relationship, starting a new job, or becoming a parent. They notice their level of coping is decreasing and that this change is starting to affect their functioning. Dissatisfied, they seek out the support and guidance of a therapist to help them through the rough patch.

4) Going to therapy should make you feel proud, not embarrassed.

Doesn't going to therapy mean I'm weak?

People often don't want to go to therapy because of the stigma that is attached to having a serious problem or mental health issues. Yet no one seems to have a problem seeing a physician for a yearly physical or a dentist for a bi-yearly exam and cleaning. We feel fine letting people know which church or synagogue we attend, but the thought of telling others we need help for our emotional lives is typically met with shame. Give your emotional life the same attention you give your physical and spiritual life. You will be glad you did.

5) Feeling your feelings is not a BAD thing.

If I go to therapy, will I cry all the time?

One of my favorite things to say to clients when they are telling me about an uncomfortable situation or problematic feeling they are experiencing is, “Why is that a problem? Instead can it be an opportunity for learning and growth?" Phrasing it this way often helps clients not be scared to feel their feelings. In therapy you are given the opportunity to explore all your emotions with support. Feeling your feelings is healing. Feeling your feelings can give you the tools to get want you want out of life. That doesn't sound too bad, does it?